A Very Productive Afternoon
by ChemicallyEnhanced
Summary: It's hot, but Ritsu finds other things to be distracted by-namely his hot neighbor. AU. Crack. M for...many, many things.


I honestly need to proofread my writing, CHRIST. Good thing I'm doing it now.

* * *

Ritsu sighed for what must have been the nth time that afternoon. That hot, muggy, unbearable summer afternoon. Did he mention it was unbearable? He stared blankly up at the ceiling, literally feeling the sweat sticking uncomfortably on his overheating body even as he thought about it.

His air conditioning was broken. As was the case for every other person in his apartment building.

Great. This was fantastic. Absolutely amazing.

He was also so very very Bored. He'd almost even started cleaning up his apartment, a testament to how bored he was, before he came back to his senses and promptly flopped down on his old couch and resumed his unwavering staring at his interesting ceiling. Really. He made up fake stories about the spots on his ceiling. Lu was in love with Yui who was in love with Ren who was dating…he couldn't think of another girl name. Or guy name. Ren wasn't picky about who he dated.

…this was torture. What was he doing?

He almost shouted for joy when his doorbell rang, but his legs wouldn't cooperate. They were heavy like…something really heavy. Rocks or weights or whatever.

"Ugh...come on guys…" he complained, throwing his head back pathetically.

The doorbell rang again. "Hai hai, I'm coming!" Ritsu bit out, dragging himself to his feet and staggering over to his front door like some insomniac who was drunk. Huh, what a comparison. Maybe he could write a book.

He threw the door open, readying his fiercest glare (which wasn't much, considering his whole body felt like it could melt into the floor right there, sucks to be him) until he saw who was standing there. His jaw nearly dropped.

Was _this_ guy his neighbor?

If so, one: how had he never noticed someone so attractive living next to him?; and two—well there wasn't a two. Hopefully he could straighten his hair enough so Hot Guy wouldn't think he was a slob or something gross like that. Not that he wasn't one already.

"Yes?" He tried to act curious, widening his—thank god—pretty green eyes, tugging at the edge of his shirt. Oh, how difficult flirting was these days.

Hot Guy—as Ritsu had so dubbed him, clever right?—raked a hand through his dark hair, forehead shiny with sweat and a slightly irritated expression he didn't even try to hide. Well, _this_ guy woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning—not Ritsu's, unfortunately.

"Was wondering if you had some ice?"

What. Did Hot Guy say something? Ritsu blinked, bringing his eyebrows up contritely. "I'm sorry?"

Hot Guy blinked back. "Ice?"

"Oh!" Ritsu laughed and inwardly kicked himself. Come on, Ritsu. Get yourself together, he might not ever talk to you again and you'll be left to your lonely apartment and listening to An-chan rant about her boyfriends over the phone while you pretend you haven't heard the same things over and over and—"I'm sorry, I just blanked out for a second there!" He beamed— _beamed_ , pat on the back for him there—and stepped aside, hoping that Hot Guy would get the fucking hint and come in so Ritsu could try to seduce—give him ice. Yeah. "Come in and I'll get you that ice."

Hot Guy only looked vaguely confused and wide-eyed— _ugh, those eyes were not fair, what the actual hell—_ but he shuffled in and slipped his shoes off while Ritsu carefully and very deliberately kept his steps quiet as he entered his kitchen, making sure Hot Guy wouldn't just run off while he had his back turned.

Ritsu was just opening his refrigerator and peeking in to see if he had ice when Hot Guy came in, pulling up his shirt to wipe at his sweaty face. Ritsu just about had an aneurysm. _Look at those abs I could lick the sweat off of those right there hng I want him what the fuck Ritsu you're so horny this what happens when you—_ "Ah. I don't think I have any more ice in here." He, again, tried to look apologetic, shrugging his shoulders and twisting his lips to the side unhappily.

Unhappily, because this would mean Hot Guy would leave, and Ritsu would never get to see if those arms were as firm as they looked and if he could get those copper eyes to glaze over in lust, begging for—okay, don't get hard, don't get hard. He willed his half-erection down through sheer force, successfully, he hoped.

"Oh." Was it just Ritsu or did Hot Guy look a little disappointed as well? No, that was just his imagination, surely.

And it was surely his imagination that Hot Guy was…leaning a bit, swaying towards him. Was he about to pin Ritsu against his fridge and kiss him senseless? Ritsu hoped so. He put on innocent look number 4 (there were at least 10 of them, he's counted over the years) and pretended that he wasn't leaning just a bit forward as well, tilting his head and…

Hot Guy fainted. Ritsu almost shrieked at the sudden weight that he was barely holding up, and he had to settle his entire body against the counter so as not to fall over. Great. So much for getting laid. He huffed out an irritated—mostly because he was still horny and wanted some action—breath and slowly, slowly, slowly yanked (read: no it was yanked) Hot Guy towards his couch and pushed him onto the old cloth with heart racing.

Damn, he was out of shape. Okay so, where to go from here…

* * *

 _Hmnm…where…am I? What…am I laying on a couch? When did I get here?_

Disgruntled bronze eyes cracked open to reveal a slightly off-white ceiling and—holy shit, there was the most _adorable_ male he had ever seen in his life hovering over him, looking more devious than concerned, considering he had fainted—ah, yes, he'd fainted, he remembered that now—in the apartment of someone he'd never met before.

Oh well.

Wait, was he moving closer or..?

"Er…"

Cute Male paused, halted, stopped. His green eyes widened.

 _Shit shit shit shit damn fuck hell_

There were not enough swear words in the world for how Ritsu was feeling. Damn, he really thought he could get at least one kiss in before Hot Guy woke up and came to his senses that he was in a perverted man's apartment. Well, that surely did not happen.

"Um," Ritsu articulated eloquently. Yep. He did not back away.

Neither did Hot Guy, so you know. Maybe it wasn't so bad.

Ritsu laughed nervously, and Hot Guy immediately zeroed in on his lips. Yeah, maybe not so bad. "Uh, hi?"

"…hi."

"…"

"…"

"…want to fuck?"

"Takano Masamune."

"Onodera Ritsu."

* * *

Afterwards:

"That was good."

"Yeah."

"…want to go again?"

"…"

"…"

"…sure."

* * *

A/N: Welp. I have no words for this, tbh.

-ChemicallyEnhanced


End file.
